It's a funny thought to me that three of my very best friends are Worship Leaders--And I have developed a fear of Worship Services in this Season of RA.
Wow. Well I guess that's a pretty weird fear in the great scope of fears-of-all-times. Still, it doesn't feel good to me. I have always loved Worship Services. Have pictured them as Community-Bonding and Heaven-Glancing places to dance with the heart of Jesus. "WHAT IS WRONG WITH MY HEART??" I've been bombarding Heaven's Gate with that question.
...... Nothing.... There is nothing wrong with your heart.....
But I don't believe that answer. Even though I have heard His response, it makes no sense to me, so I don't believe it... yet....
"ISN'T THE WORSHIP SERVICE SUPPOSED TO BE MY MOST FAVORITE TIME OF THE WEEK? HASN'T THAT SERVICE BEEN THE PLACE WHERE I'VE FELT MOST ENCOURAGED IN MY LOVE FOR THE BODY OF CHRIST?"
But, (pause) I hear my thoughts re-winding to our 1984 Children's Church, hear my Teacher-husband's voice speaking kid-talk:
WORSHIP IS REALLY JUST "WORTH-SHIP:" SHOWING WORTH TO WHAT WE THINK IS MOST IMPORTANT.
Jesus, I still WORSHIP you. I have never stopped worshipping YOU.
But I have stopped Worshipping WORSHIP. In this Rheumatoid Arthritis emotional roller coaster, fatigue overwhelms even my simplest of days. Even the smallest of crowds vacuums my soul of breath. And I run home to my same old blue chair where stillness reigns. Still, small voice calling me to simply trust. Simply Worship. Aligning the WORTH-SHIP where it truly belongs: Only to Jesus.
I know now that when my strength returns and my over-medicated brain finds equilibrium again, I will return to regular Worship Service attendance. But in the meantime, my body is still the temple of Christ singly: He dwells with me here. And I still belong to the Body of Christ, THE TRUE CHURCH, all over the world. Worship-Service-Fear or not, WE ARE ALL ONE.
"so we, who are many, are one body in Christ, and individually members one of another."
--Romans 12:5
I know now that when my strength returns and my over-medicated brain finds equilibrium again, I will return to regular Worship Service attendance. But in the meantime, my body is still the temple of Christ singly: He dwells with me here. And I still belong to the Body of Christ, THE TRUE CHURCH, all over the world. Worship-Service-Fear or not, WE ARE ALL ONE.
"so we, who are many, are one body in Christ, and individually members one of another."
--Romans 12:5
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