Morning Glory

Morning Glory -- Glory of the Morning

My prayer this morning, from Suzie Eller's book, "Come With Me" 

"Jesus, thank you that I am your beloved disciple. As I sit at your feet, teach me. Let your words spring to life inside of me and take root. May I live what I believe in greater measure as I walk with you."

 I woke up this morning with a rock in my stomach. Oh yes, there is "that," as I remembered what was on my mind when I fell asleep last night. My testing ground of a few weeks ago, when my husband had the flu, came back to gain another level.  He was supposed to be going in for minor surgery this week, but it has been postponed because of a heart abnormality in his pre-op EKG. So we have set up the meetings and more tests with the specialist to find out what is going on.

Last night, hard as I tried, I couldn't keep my mind from wandering down the "what-if" paths.  What if he has heart disease? What if he needs heart surgery? What if he requires care that my weakened state is simply not able to give? 

I managed to lay the thoughts at the feet of Jesus, and drift off to sleep, but the thoughts rose to greet me along with the morning. If I say that my faith rests in Jesus, then why are my feet walking these paths of doubt?  

I've been taking part in an online study with Suzie Eller's book--a first for me!  It's been fun to see other people's postings as we all walk through the book together.  And I've had fun trying a little different approach by art-journaling my thoughts to her questions each week.  This morning as I doodled my way along the page, I realized that my pencil had stretched out the word from the prayer above, "Beloved" so that it looked more like two words than one.  And then it hit me: 

Beloved -- Be-loved

If I want to learn more about what it means to Be HIS Beloved Disciple, then I must let myself be loved by Jesus. If I want to learn more deeply what it means to live what I believe, then I must receive the offer He extends to me still, here in this place of 

not-yet-seeing.

I know that my strength is not enough to carry my husband through his own trials.  It's not even enough to carry myself. But isn't that what this Faith-Walk is really about? We are finding ourselves to be carried when we cannot walk, to be held when we cannot stand, and to be loved when the answers aren't given.

I thought I had a pretty firm grasp on what "living what I believe," looked like before this RA/Fibro Journey began.  But I am discovering that each new trial demands its own place of trusting.  Yesterday's Faith is not enough to sustain Today. But Yesterday's Lessons have laid the foundation for Today's Learning.  So while I may look back and rejoice in God's Faithfulness, I must also look to today to find God's Grace.

And in this Grace-of-Today, my Heavenly Beloved is asking me to let Him hold my Earthly Beloved as well.  Even after almost 38 years of marriage, the growing together is not enough. There are yet more places where our hearts need knitting and patching together.  Sometimes those knittings are seen in beautiful joyful patterns.  And sometimes the patching requires a tearing and a breaking to allow more of the One-ness that God designs for husband and wife.

A few weeks ago, our middle son sent my husband the link for this song.  But God meant it for today, as my prayers are not too weak to be carried to the heart of my Lord.  I will find my Glory-of-the-Morning as my faith looks up to Jesus.

I am linking this week with these great Bloggers:

  #TeaAndWordTuesday 
  #TellHisStory
 #LiveFreeThursday