Transforming Stillness

It's Week 7 with our friend Jayber Crow

over at Michele Morin's site,

Living Our Days,

and Jayber is finding his world has spun on its axis.

Have you been on that spinning ball?

It was a spinning week for me,

with lingering side effects followed by 

more medical tests.

So I have been pondering the effects that grief and spinning will have on Jayber, as he moves forward from here. In this week's chapters, Jayber found himself secretly loving someone out of his reach, and then suffering the full weight of her grief when she watched her young daughter get killed in a tragic accident.
  

Even as he realized that he was not in a position to be able to show his love to her, at the same time he began to question his own position of being an outsider in his community:

"I have got to the age now where I can see how short a time we have to be here. And when I think about it, it can seem strange beyond telling that this particular bunch of us should be here on this little patch of ground in this little patch of time, and I can think of the other times and places I might have lived, the other kinds of man I might have been. But there is something else. There are moments when the heart is generous, and then it knows that for better or worse our lives are woven together here, one with one another and with the place and all the living things."

Berry, Wendell. Jayber Crow: A Novel (Port William) (p. 210). Counterpoint. Kindle Edition. 

Where is my own heart landing 
in this place of feeling 
cut-off from what I knew

and where I thought I belonged? 

Has the STILLNESS of this year brought me to a new 

kind of resting?

At the beginning of this year, when I heard the Lord speak my OneWord for this year to be "Stillness," I was disappointed because it felt like more-of-the-same for this slowed-down Chronic Illness lifestyle that already chafed against my own will.  And maybe that is the reason He spoke it --

He meant to show me a better way.

“'For my thoughts are not your thoughts,
    neither are your ways my ways,'
declares the Lord. 
 'As the heavens are higher than the earth,
    so are my ways higher than your ways
    and my thoughts than your thoughts.'"
Isaiah 55:8-9 
 

One of the first gifts from this year of stillness came to me through a dear blogging friend, Joy Lenton, of Poetry Joy,  as she pointed me in the direction of an app designed to bring help in getting started with Silent or Centering prayer. I agonized over those early days of sitting in God's Presence with only quietness between us. But gradually I came to look forward to those times of knowing that I could be with Jesus, in a cloud of silence. Reigning in my abundance of thoughts to center on the beauty of HIM became a way to find rest when I had no peace of my own.



So this week, as I wished that I did not have to talk about one more test, I went to the hospital and laid my head down in preparation for the Doctor to take yet more biopsies. But into this heart that was dreading the pain, there came a song so sweet, with only two words flowing in my mind. 

Beautiful Jesus.

Without even realizing what was happening, my thoughts could only focus on those quiet words.

Again and again,
Beautiful Jesus.

Turn my head, and wait for another needle.

Beautiful Jesus.

Imagine my surprise when the Doctor spoke to me as he was finishing, "You did so great! I don't know what you were doing there, was it meditating? But it was great!" And, I managed a croaking response of "Praying!" as he hurried out of the room to his next procedure.



 I came home, with my neck wrapped in ice packs, and texted a cluster of family and friends who were thankful to be able to pray for me. And the next day, as I battled discouragement while waiting for the swelling and pain to be alleviated, neighbors offered broth and noodles for my parched throat. 


It was then I remembered the beautiful artwork that I had received from another dear blogging friend just days before.  Wendy Simpson, who writes at Widow's Manna, had sent me one of her beautiful cards in response to a small contest she ran on her Facebook Page, Wendy's Vignettes. She had no idea of my past story, since we "met" each other after I had written this post, here:  "The Butterflies." Yet she listened  to the Lord and chose the very painting that would speak most deeply to me:

The Season has indeed shifted for me. I am no longer involved in the busyness of life that I used to thrive on. I am no longer a part of the Church in the way that I used to be. 

And yet,


My life is being woven together
With hearts
In ways I could not have envisioned
had I not slowed down.

My heart is being woven together
With my Lord
In ways I could not have envisioned
had HE not slowed me down. 

Transforming.



Here is the beautiful song that came in phrases to my mind:

I cannot give enough thanks for all who have prayed for me during these testings.
We are woven together through Him.

UPDATED TO GIVE PRAISE TO JESUS
FOR ALL BIOPSIES COMING BACK BENIGN!
My heart is filled with thanksgiving.

For more thoughts on Centering Prayer:

Contemplative Outreach 

The Contemplative Writer 

 You can find Jayber Crow by Wendell Berry, by clicking here.

I am linking this week with:
Debbie Kitterman, #TuneInThursday 
Barbie Swihart, #Glimpses 

 

 

The Stillness of Poetry, Part 2

"Be Thou my Sun, my selfishness destroy,

Thy atmosphere of Love be all my joy;

Thy Presence be my sunshine ever bright,

My soul the little mote that lives but in Thy light."

--Gerhard Tersteegen

On such a day as this, with our Land facing such inner turmoil,

 my own heart is choosing to look up,

to remain in that place of

Stillness before my God.

He is the ruler I will cling to,

when all else might feel shaken,

He remains constant

and ever loving.

"The Lord is God, and he has made his light shine on us."

Psalm 118:27 

And, thanks to the encouragement of my dear blogging friends 

Gayl S.Wright

and

Joy Lenton 

I have taken another "poetry plunge"

and taken on a new challenge

issued by poet and author, Ronovan Hester,

for his weekly Haiku Challenge at

#RonovanWrites.

This week the word prompts are

Flame & Kiss,

and the challenge is to use both words in a Haiku,

and then link back to his site to read 

the writing of many other wonderful 

poets and bloggers.

So, while I am praying for my Country,

and Resting in the Place of Stillness

that Jesus has called me to be,

These words have dropped like dew

to bring me encouragement.

Candle kisses Flame

Light sparks over darkened room

Softly falls the heart

                                  --Bettie Gilbert


May your own heart find encouragement 
in the light of Jesus
as well.

 

Day 30: Glean and Listen Part 4

My man and I took our Grandpuppy,
Pepper the Schnauzer
(she's actually the face for my #Write31Days Challenge Thumbnail below!)
for a very short walk yesterday.

As I stood watching the two of them,
thinking that my days of long hikes
are only a memory now,
I can still be thankful for the grace
that allows me to take a short walk
now and then! 


And with that same heart of gratitude,
I feel so blessed by several
new authors that I have been
allowed to "meet"
through the world of blogging.


You may have read one or more of these books
already, but if not,
then allow me to introduce you to these
ones who have helped me so much
on my journey of learning
to listen and walk with God
through this season of chronic illness.



One of the first authors that touched me through
her brave-hearted blogging,
was Joy Lenton, who blogs at
PoetryJoy -- click here to find her site 
She is a fellow chronic illness warrior, and her
words are laced with the poetry of grace
and truth.
I first read her book during hard nights
filled with anxiety attacks and pain.
Her poetry drew me into the heart of Jesus,
and became a stand-by to read again and again
as the Lord brought fresh breath
into my weary soul.
Find her book at Amazon by clicking the link below:

Seeking Solace: Discovering grace in life's hard places 



 Another blogger that touched me
with her heart for Jesus is Ifeoma Samuel.
Find her blogging at
Purposeful And Meaningful -- click here to go to her site 
I was blessed to be part of the Launch team for her book,
and gleaned so much encouragement
from her study of the Scriptures.
She writes from an honest perspective of one
who knows what it feels like to face failure
and brokenness, but then points us 
back to the Grace of Jesus again and again.
Find her book at Amazon by clicking here:

Overcome Failure: Get Back On Your Feet 



If you have walked through the pain
of loss and grieving,
then you really should check out the blog of Anna Louise Smitt.
Click here to find her site: Joy of the Spirit Within.
I purchased the book that told her story 
of grace and redemption
as the Lord walked her through a trail marked
with suffering and PTSD.
But her chapters were packed with so much
beautiful Scripture and gleanings
that I slowed my reading to a simmer
so that I could let the healing sink into
my own soul.
Find her book at Amazon by clicking here:
 
Love Embraced: A Journey in and through Suffering   



I found this next blogger through the recent series
that she joined with Anna to write.
You may remember their series on #31Days of Miracles
that I shared recently here.
Debbie Barrow Michael blogs at
Consider it all Joy -- click here for her site.
She has walked through 
an amazing adventure of obedience,
and has learned to hear God's voice
through the adoption of her son from Russia. 
To read the story of that process, click the link below:

But the Greatest of These Is Love .


I was so blessed to be part of the launch team
for Cindee Snider Re's book this fall.
She is the co-founder of Chronic Joy Ministry
that I mentioned last week.
Her book changed my view of how I approach
living with a chronic illness.
The questions that I had buried deep
were brought to the surface and laid open
before God
as the book moved through it's material
in a study fashion
that begged the reader's participation.
Click the link below to find her book at Amazon:

 Discovering Hope: Beginning the Journey Toward Hope in Chronic Illness  


But here's the surprise that I've been hinting at:
Cindee has sent me two books to offer
as a give-away to two of my faithful readers!
I can't wait to see which of you will be
the next ones to be blessed by this journey
of discovery!

To enter, all you have to do is leave a comment on my blog
sometime this week.
I will be sharing a reminder with every post
until next weekend.
Then I will draw two of those names, randomly,
and notify you of the winners next week.

Proverbs 4:1-2 (NIV) "Listen, my sons, to a father’s instruction; pay attention and gain understanding.  I give you sound learning, so do not forsake my teaching"


This is Day 30 for the #Write31Days Challenge,
and I am so thankful that you have journeyed with me
for #31Days of Listening with Chronic Illness.
 Click here for the Series Index 

Grace upon Grace

"Trials must and will befall,

But with humble faith to see

LOVE inscribed upon them all,

This is Happiness to me."

--W. Cowper

I think I may have started too many books this summer.  But yet, is that even possible?  In this RA/fibro-fog life, my mind seems to crave more words than normal.  As if filling up the foggy areas with one more dose of Holy might just help me remember a little longer. 

So the started-but-not-yet-finished stack of books on my Kindle and on my table has me feeling like a child-at-Christmas-time again. So much JOY just waiting for me to partake.  But there was a time when unfinished books left me in a state of stress because each one was just one more task that I was not finishing on time.  How did I move from a place of stress to one of joy?  I want to know because maybe there is a lesson to be learned here, to apply to other areas of my life.

What if I could see LOVE written all over my unfinished chores, and weakened states?  What if those trials became Grace-just-waiting-to-happen as I changed my place of viewing? I have prayed so often, "Jesus I need your mercy and your grace here!" but what if the Grace is stacked up on the table, already waiting for me to partake?

Instead of bemoaning my lack of baking and cooking strength-- what if I saw my daily Crock-pot-Meal as Grace given for this day?

Instead of staring at the weeds overtaking the paths through my little front-yard woods trail--what if I saw those rugged areas as my very own Grace-filled-nature-preserve set in front of my eyes?

And instead of dreary-filled-thoughts of slowed-down-days--what if I tasted the Grace of time given to savor Jesus, alone with Him?

"For out of His fullness (the superabundance of His grace and truth) we have all received grace upon grace (spiritual blessing upon spiritual blessing, favor upon favor, and gift heaped upon gift.)" John 1:16--The Amplified Version

I have been returning to Joy Lenton's book, Seeking Solace, again and again lately.  I even quoted a portion of this poem to my counselor last week:

Set Me Free

"Set me free

I no longer want 

to be ensared

by the chains 

of my past, or

held fast by fear

for the future

Set me free

to fly uncaged

in the current

of your grace,

releasing all I am

and can be

into your embrace."

As I left my counselor's office, she said to me, "When I think of you now, I'm going to picture you floating in a pool of Grace." So, flying or floating, there is a freedom that I seek.

Instead of gripping the past with hands too weak to hold on any longer--my Jesus has gifted me with the Grace to open my hands and receive HIS JOY,  enough for this day.

The rough-edged nature trail as viewed from my deck.

I am linking this week with some wonderful bloggers over at #TellHisStory  with Jennifer Dukes Lee,
 and  #TeaAndWord  with Meg Weyerbacher  and #ChronicFridayLinkup  at Being Fibro Mom. Won't you join me?

 

 

Remnants

Awakening

  --by Joy Lenton, 

from her book,  Seeking Solace

In the quiet morning hour

I press my ear to earth

And listen with intent,

Because in the stillness

I can hear soft breath

Of Holy Spirit sighs

Awakening all around

And as the world stirs

It heeds the call to arise,

As sun's slanting rays are

Beckoning us forth

With silent sounds

To surrender our lives

To Love's gentle power

Poured out for these days.

I awoke early this morning with the words of this poem echoing in my heart. I had fallen to sleep with these same words resting in my heart. So I hobbled down the stairs before my feet were ready to tackle the steps, and took my camera out into the sunshine. Would the sunrise still be glowing over the new garden? I had to know.

It was this "Garden of Remnants" that drew me out, because the word "Remnant" has become a sort of theme for me. Last year, a dear friend gave me a journal for my Birthday and wrote this note in the flyleaf, "Maybe the Lord will allow you to journal about His Remnant from end to beginning," with this Scripture reference added:

"I have reserved for myself ... a remnant chosen by grace."  Romans 11:4-5

So when the Lord touched my heart with a poem about "Awakening" I knew that He was speaking something important that needed my listening:

He is awakening the Remnants of Himself in my heart that have lain covered up beneath my service.

Last week the Landscapers came and stripped away the old Butterfly Garden that I wrote about here: "The Garden That Was"  Then this past weekend, the time was urgent for rescuing the remnants saved from the old.  But I was in no condition for the gardening marathon that was required, as I limped around with the bruising and pain of yet another steroid shot given into the locked-up tendons in my foot. So my husband, who is definitely NOT a gardener, gave me the gift of transplanting, and cleaning, and carting, and making this new Garden of Remnants from the strippings of the old. 

As I soaked in the warmth of the sun's rising over this humble little plot, there was a beating in my heart for the new that is really very old.  A remnant from long ago.  As a child, my heart was stirred to be with Jesus and soak in HIS warmth at a very young age.  But as with all of us, life moves on, and duties begin to shape the way that we process our days. I learned early on to be the caregiver before the care became too heavy--that meant I was always on alert, ready to jump and take care of things at a moment's notice.  My Mom required much care as she herself suffered with various sicknesses, some very real, but all of them overburdened by anxiety. There were many years that I thought she demanded more of me than was fair. But actually, she taught me how to give a good gift: I gave her the gift of serving, and in turn learned how to bless others with that same gift.  In the process I laid aside my own heart.  ...  Or so I thought ....

 "But I know whom I have believed, and am convinced that He is able to guard what I have entrusted to him."  
2 Timothy 1:12

 

Nothing is ever really lost when we belong to Jesus.  He is the perfect gatekeeper, and He watches over those childlike places in our hearts, just waiting for the right time to awaken and stir the embers of a passionate love.  Those remnants that I thought were long gone, have been in HIS care, as He has shaped and transformed them into beautiful reflections of HIS loving.  

I cannot see how my loving is meant to take shape and form in this new place.  But one thing I do know:  Jesus awakens the remnants of His Love when He calls the Garden of our hearts ready.  Ready for the new, that is actually very old. 


Thank you, Joy Lenton, for permitting me to copy your beautiful poem here!

I am linking with #TellHisStory  this week.  Won't you check out the wonderful bloggers who are also sharing there?