Stillness

I sat on the bridge

still as a stone

And watched the fish

darting and dashing

under the rocks

and into the shadows. 

And my heart 

felt as one 

knew the quiver

that a stirring in the water

could bring. 

Two and a half years ago, when my man and I walked to that bridge, I did not realize that I had already begun this Journey with Chronic Illness. Even though my joints had started their swelling, the first jolting-awake-with-fire-flare-pain was still several days away.  But in my heart there was a tiredness running so deep, and a sensitivity so acute that I felt I must be slipping into a Spiritual Fog of some sort. 

My life had been running on empty-full-empty-again for so long that I feared what might happen if the full failed to appear once again.

And just like that,

                     the empty overtook me,

                                And my spinning life found a new

                                                                rhythm by which to dance. 

"Be still, and know that I am God;
    I will be exalted among the nations,
    I will be exalted in the earth.”

Psalm 46:10 NIV 

I spent the next year just trying to keep my darting and dashing emotions on some sort of even plane, as the medications were set before me, one after another. There were rashes and nausea and headaches and side effects more shameful than I care to recount.

But I never walked alone.

Have you felt that quivering in the water?

Have you known that stirring when Jesus sets down beside you,

and enters into the ocean of your troubles?

As my body finally accepted the proper medication, I spent the next year reeling from one diagnosis after another, and more tests than I care to recount. I watched my man dealing with his own health struggles. 

And I felt the quivering yet again,

telling me I would never be alone.

I heard the whispers to 

come away and rest awhile.

So, as this year of 2017 approached, I prayed for a #OneWord365, a Word that might set the course for this new year. Not unlike the other times I heard Him speak for #OneWordLent, and #OneWordAdvent, and even the theme for #Write31Days, I counted on God to speak what He wanted to give me.  

I just hadn't counted that it might feel like

more of the same.

Because the Word He gave was 

stillness.

Where can we hide when the shadows are flitting  

and our hearts are still darting?

There is a place of stillness

that centers in Jesus' heart.

There is a place of knowing God

that finds its rest in loving Him.

So, while my rhythm may still move to slow,

and my feet may not dance as I would want them to,

My Lord calls me in

and my heart runs to Him.  

Thank you so much to all who prayed for my husband's hand surgeries! God is restoring him to health, and helping him as he returns to work this week!


I am linking this week with 
Jennifer Dukes Lee, #TellHisStory  

and 
Bonnie Gray, #OneWordCoffee 
 

  

As the Holidays Approach

The holidays were approaching, yet another specialty medication wasn’t panning out in the way we had hoped, and I found myself in a full-blown Rheumatoid Arthritis flare, longing for any kind of relief from the pain. I called my Rheumatologist to report on my condition and his instructions were, “Lay low and be patient. We have to wait three months before your insurance will accept another change.” Reluctantly, I agreed to restart my pain meds, even though prednisone plays havoc with my emotions, as it was the only relief available for the moment.

God, where are you? And why are none of my usual coping methods acceptable any longer?


I used to be really good at “walking it off” when my mind filled with darkness, and the satisfaction of a job well done could lift my eyes away from my problems, giving me a jolt of hope that maybe my problems weren’t so all-consuming after all.

But now? There was no walking or chore or service that my body would allow. Caring for my basic needs took every available ounce of strength.

The low point came when I looked at the calendar. Thanksgiving was only a few weeks away. We love when our adult children and their families gather at our home. We cook and eat our way through a day of feasting and fun, but this year something had to give, there was no hope I could prepare for that kind of gathering.

. . . 

I am so blessed to be part of the story-telling team over at 

Chronic-Joy Ministries today. To continue reading this post

of how God works through Chronic Illness,

please join me by clicking the link here.





I'm linking today over at
#LiveFreeThursday, Suzie Eller 

Day 24: Listen for Instructions

Have you ever felt that nothing you are doing

is making any difference?

Perhaps you have felt that you are doing everything

you know to do,

and yet the results have turned out

far below your expectations?  

Or, what if you are in the place 

where nothing makes sense

and there seems to be nowhere

to turn for any answer?

You are not alone, because I would have had to choose

"All of the Above"

if this were a multiple choice quiz,

about how to live with a 

Chronic Illness.

 I remember the days when my husband was in college,

and we had an 11 month old son

to care for.

God had just given us an incredible miracle

by opening up a low-rent apartment

where there had previously been

no vacancy in sight.

And I was grateful, truly I was.

But how could we pay even that small rent

when my husband could find no job

that would accommodate his school schedule?

And, with every ounce of my being, 

I wanted to stay home to care for our son.

He wasn't even weaned yet.

But I knew the answer that God was trying to give

to me.

Surrender

It's not a pretty word when we are fighting

against it.

Not when we think that we know what is best.

I wrestled with God over this question,

and fought with Him about

leaving my son with a caregiver

that was not me or my husband.

But He didn't change His direction,

just to meet my wish.

In fact, His instruction to me grew more clear

with every passing day.

And, I finally gave up the fight, and took the jobs 

that were offered to me.

I tried to hide my tears as I answered the phones,

typed out the letters,

and managed the files,

for companies that had no idea of my inner struggle.

The years passed, and my husband finally 

earned his degree,

and took up a position as Children's Pastor,

while I returned home to care for our

son, now 3 years old.

We played, and we worked together,

and we took long hikes in the woods,

chasing spiders and leaves,

and little-boy-wonders.

And my heart tucked away the years that I felt

had been eaten by the locust while

I had earned the income

for our family.

Until the day that I gave birth to our precious second son.

As I counted the months that had transpired

between my leaving the workplace,

until the day of that birth,

I realized that they were the exact amount of time

that I had been at work, away from

our first son.

God had indeed given back the time,

of my obedience to Him

without my realizing it.

 Isaiah 48:18-19 (MSG) 'And now, the Master, God, sends me and his Spirit with this Message from God, your Redeemer, The Holy of Israel: “I am God, your God, who teaches you how to live right and well. I show you what to do, where to go. If you had listened all along to what I told you, your life would have flowed full like a river, blessings rolling in like waves from the sea.'

Sometimes I think we feel that obedience to God

means perfection in this life,

and in so doing, we miss the blessing

that God is trying to show us,

that would flow full like the river.

But what if we truly listened to His voice,

and surrendered our choices,

to hear His instruction,

unfettered by our own demands?

Perhaps, we would see that the choices

set before us

are in the hands of the ONE

who truly has our best in mind,

the only ONE who knows what is right

for me and for you,

here today in this path of His choosing.

This is Day 24 in the #Write31Days Challenge.

I am so honored to walk this path with you

here in #31Days of Listening with Chronic Illness.

If want to catch up on any missed posts,

 Click here for the Series Index

 

 

Day 7: Listen for Answers to the Doubt

Once again, I had a vision shaped in my mind for what this next post might be about.  You see, I had chosen this verse, and worked on its accompanying graphic early on in this #Write31Days Challenge. And I had let my mind drift . . .
 

Maybe this verse means that you will answer me with an incredible healing, God?  Maybe I won't have to deal with these multiple chronic illnesses any longer. . . 

Oh, but God, our Savior, has so much more in mind when HE is shaping the Vision for us.

I have been blessed reading so many different words of bloggers who are joining in this challenge to #Write31Days: many different topics, and many different ways to bring encouragement with their words. But it seemed to me that yesterday's theme in several posts ran a little too parallel to just be a coincidence. 

God is at work behind the scenes where we cannot see,

God is in the dark times with us,

God is the potter, and He shapes us beyond what we can see,

and then this last post over at "LisaNotes" on Doubt,

visit her blog here

struck something very deep in my heart.

Almost 20 years ago, as I mentioned in some of my earlier postings, my family traveled to churches with Biblical Dramas that we portrayed. And one of the main characters was the Apostle Thomas: Doubting Thomas.

My husband portrayed Thomas, and I was the "voice in the dark" closing out the drama with a series of personal questions:

"So, what is YOUR point of doubting?" I would speak softly to those who had been part of the audience.

Except that, last night, as I read Lisa's blog, I heard Jesus asking me that same question.  

And I knew that He was putting His finger on my own personal doubting in this place of illness.

As I have listened and shared with so many others who are also on this Chronic Illness path, there is one question that seems to come up over and over again:

"What am I doing wrong?"

or, one with a similar punch,

"What test did I fail that brought me here?"

It is so easy to fall into the doubting track. After all, this path of illness is not where we would choose to be, if left to our own devices. The enemy of our soul takes delight in choking our faith with doubts about the goodness of God. 

Maybe God doesn't WANT to see me well.

Maybe God is punishing me for the things I brought upon myself.

Maybe God is telling me I just have to try HARDER and pray more VEHEMENTLY and shout more LOUDLY!

But I don't see Jesus meeting Thomas with those kinds of thoughts. No, He gently came, and met Thomas in the very place of His doubting.  

 

"See, my hands, and place your hand in the hole in my side," he spoke to Thomas.

It's no use trying to hide our doubt away, Jesus sees the depth of what our soul is feeling. He spoke the very words that Thomas had sputtered to his friends, to show us that He is already dwelling there, in the deep of our heart, where we are holding onto the doubts. And HE wants to come near to us.

 Listen to the rest of the passage from that graphic above:

Psalm 65:4-5 (NIV) 4 Blessed are those you choose and bring near to live in your courts! We are filled with the good things of your house, of your holy temple. 5 You answer us with awesome and righteous deeds, God our Savior, the hope of all the ends of the earth and of the farthest seas, 

Jesus is at the center of our being, bringing us near to HIS heart and HIS dwelling courts. He wants to meet us, where our feet feel singed from the fires all around, and show us that HE IS OUR ONLY HOPE.

Those awesome and righteous deeds that He answers us with? 

HE IS ALREADY FILLING US WITH THEM, GIVING US GLIMPSES OF HIS HOLY TEMPLE, IF WE WILL ONLY OPEN OUR EYES AND LET HIM SHOW US . . .

right here, 

in the very places where we may be doubting Him today. 

God may still have that miracle of an incredible healing in mind for me.

Perhaps He will choose to have me perservere through the night for a little longer.

Either way, my HOPE rests secure in HIM, because He is answering me with Awesome and righteous deeds, right here, as He brings me into HIS dwelling place.

Are you on a journey filled with doubt? Know that you are not alone, and there is no shame in bringing your questions to Him. Let Him answer you and bring you close to His Courts today.

This is Day 7 in the #Write31Days Challenge for my 

#31Days of Listening with Chronic Illness.

I am so blessed that you are journeying with me!

Click here for the Series Index 

 

 

Discovering Hope

( In exchange for my review, and being part of the Launch Team for this book, the author provided this book, for me. All opinions expressed are purely my own. I am disclosing this in accordance with the Federal Trade Commission’s 16 CFR, Part 255: “Guides Concerning the Use of Endorsements and Testimonials in Advertising.”)


I have been honored to be part of the book launch team for Cindee Snider Re's new book: Discovering Hope. Cindi is someone who has traversed the maze of chronic illness, both for herself and for members of her own family. She speaks humbly about the path to finding the Hope that is available for those of us who feel alone or invisible within our own journey.


I wrote here last week about the chapter concerning Biblical Lament and how it has been opening my heart to more freedom to express my heart's cry before the Lord.  This process of being transparent in the journey of my own story has been an ongoing lesson for me. 


Listening to other people's stories? Pure joy for me, whether the person is telling me face-to-face, or I am living out the story through the latest book I am reading.  

But telling my own story? Well, let's just say I've been known to rush through my own details, so that I can get to the really meaty part of listening to and helping another.  I have been convicted over this lately, though, as these words of the very first chapter jumped out at me:

"Sharing our stories is a vital part of doing life together. The disciples shared their stories and
changed the world, not because they were extraordinary men, but because they told about an
extraordinary God.
That same God is still at work today. It’s His story we tell, His hand at work in our lives, His love
touching hearts and changing lives every day."

I realized that when I am reluctant to share my own stories, I may be holding back the very thing that would point to God, and give glory to Him.  Ugly or sad, joyous or beautiful, each part of our story is a chapter in God's Grace given to us.  How can I hold back sharing His working in me?  

One of the biggest "assignments" in the book was to begin the journey of writing out your own story.  This is vital for any of us, because whether we suffer from chronic illness, or not, we each suffer from the greatest chronic condition of all: the life-long journey of being transformed into the likeness of Christ. 

2 Corinthians 3:18 (NIV) And we all, who with unveiled faces contemplate the Lord’s glory, are being transformed into his image with ever-increasing glory, which comes from the Lord, who is the Spirit.

I want to let Him open my heart to share as His Story is unfolding through my story, lived out day by day in this new season of life.  And as I read through her book, I came to a section that spoke most deeply to me as a summary of the author's words. She spoke of a time that God asked her this question:

“And if I don’t allow you to heal, if I  never remove the pain, will you still trust Me?”

And then she went on:

"What if illness – the stripping away of our health, our dreams, our understanding of

who we are and what our future holds – is really a gift – God offering Himself to us

unencumbered by all the noise, all the things that clutter our hearts and so easily fill

our days? Because what if that quiet, stripped-away space is where hope is found?

Where God leans in close whispering love to our weary souls until it becomes as

familiar as the beating of our own hearts? "

 

And suddenly I knew that God had been asking me that very question.  If I did not find the healing today, or tomorrow, or next year, would I still be able to find my Hope fixed on Jesus?

If the pain flowed in and out, but never away, would I still listen to hear God's voice?

It's a crucial question for all of us, because we want SOMETHING to put our hope in. And we want to HOPE FOR THE BEST.  But upon WHAT are we truly fixing our hope?  

  Colossians 1:27 (NIV)  "Christ in you, the hope of glory."

Lamentations 3:25 (NIV) "The Lord is good to those whose hope is in him, to the one who seeks him"

Seeking Christ as my treasure, finding in HIM the basis for my hope, and longing to see the goodness of the Lord being fulfilled in
His own way   . . .   this is where I want to rest my heart.

I am thankful that I listened to God's whisper when He nudged me to sign up for the book launch.  If He's giving you a nudge also, won't you respond by seeking out Cindee's book over at Amazon? 

Perhaps the journey to Discovering Hope will capture your heart as well.

 I am linking this week over at these great sites:

 #TeaAndWordTuesday 

#TellHisStory 

#LiveFreeThursday

I am linking up with Bonnie Gray and her book, Finding Spiritual Whitespace, again. As she explored the thought of Rest as it relates to being alone with Jesus, she re-told the story of the Mount of Transfiguration, and the Disciples seeing the Glory of Jesus shining before them (Can you imagine being witness to such an incredible moment?) But the fear that overtook them as the Mountain Trembled,  was QUIETED as Jesus spoke to them,  ALONE with only them.  

So, is there a quietness that my fearful heart needs to embrace in my own time of being ALONE with Jesus?

HUMILIATION and SHAME

Those two little words were never part of my picture of disease or illness. 

In the past, I thought I viewed people who were suffering through the eyes of compassion.  I hurt for them, and I wanted to find a way to help them. I wanted to lift them to Jesus most of all.

But something changed when I was the one suffering.  

I never thought about the humiliation that might come when I could not hold the coins in my hand at the check-out counter. I never thought about the shame of being seen as the Shuffling-One as I tried to move out of the way for the Hurried-Ones.  No, I had felt the shame of messing up from my own mistakes, or being hurt by another's wrong choices.

But how was it that I came to this place of being humiliated by my own physical condition?  And where did I pick up this feeling of being ashamed by my illness?  I was as shocked by what I was carrying around in my heart, even more than what I was carrying around in my body.

As I cried out to Jesus, I realized that God never HUMILIATES.   God brings HUMBLENESS, a lesson that I have asked to be taught many times throughout my lifetime.  I was ready to learn again, here in this place of Chronic Illness.  But I realized that before I could learn more about humbleness, I would need to learn how to quiet my heart from this weight of SHAME that I carry with me.

Quiet my own heart?  There is so much fear attached to shame and humiliation: Fear of being exposed, feeling naked in the shame.  I am not alone in this Shame Game.  I have borne the burdens of many others who also walk hunched over by shame. Could it be that Jesus is letting me physically bear this shuffling time, hunched over in protectiveness from the pain, so that I can let that compassion run deeper in my veins?

Jesus invites me in, where He dwells, into my most vulnerable heart.  And He whispers

HUSH, BE STILL, HEAR WHAT I HAVE TO SAY

I cannot be near to His Heart without feeling His heartbeat.  He covers the Shame of the naked ones, and He lifts up the shuffling of the humiliated ones.

"So I wrapped my cloak around you to cover your nakedness and declared my marriage vows. I made a covenant with you, says the Sovereign LORD, and you became mine." Ezekiel 16:8

The Lord of all, calls us HIS OWN and invites us to share in HIS GLORY.  When HE covers our shame, with HIS OWN cloak, then we truly are transformed, lifting our shuffling to gaze on HIM.