Stillness

I sat on the bridge

still as a stone

And watched the fish

darting and dashing

under the rocks

and into the shadows. 

And my heart 

felt as one 

knew the quiver

that a stirring in the water

could bring. 

Two and a half years ago, when my man and I walked to that bridge, I did not realize that I had already begun this Journey with Chronic Illness. Even though my joints had started their swelling, the first jolting-awake-with-fire-flare-pain was still several days away.  But in my heart there was a tiredness running so deep, and a sensitivity so acute that I felt I must be slipping into a Spiritual Fog of some sort. 

My life had been running on empty-full-empty-again for so long that I feared what might happen if the full failed to appear once again.

And just like that,

                     the empty overtook me,

                                And my spinning life found a new

                                                                rhythm by which to dance. 

"Be still, and know that I am God;
    I will be exalted among the nations,
    I will be exalted in the earth.”

Psalm 46:10 NIV 

I spent the next year just trying to keep my darting and dashing emotions on some sort of even plane, as the medications were set before me, one after another. There were rashes and nausea and headaches and side effects more shameful than I care to recount.

But I never walked alone.

Have you felt that quivering in the water?

Have you known that stirring when Jesus sets down beside you,

and enters into the ocean of your troubles?

As my body finally accepted the proper medication, I spent the next year reeling from one diagnosis after another, and more tests than I care to recount. I watched my man dealing with his own health struggles. 

And I felt the quivering yet again,

telling me I would never be alone.

I heard the whispers to 

come away and rest awhile.

So, as this year of 2017 approached, I prayed for a #OneWord365, a Word that might set the course for this new year. Not unlike the other times I heard Him speak for #OneWordLent, and #OneWordAdvent, and even the theme for #Write31Days, I counted on God to speak what He wanted to give me.  

I just hadn't counted that it might feel like

more of the same.

Because the Word He gave was 

stillness.

Where can we hide when the shadows are flitting  

and our hearts are still darting?

There is a place of stillness

that centers in Jesus' heart.

There is a place of knowing God

that finds its rest in loving Him.

So, while my rhythm may still move to slow,

and my feet may not dance as I would want them to,

My Lord calls me in

and my heart runs to Him.  

Thank you so much to all who prayed for my husband's hand surgeries! God is restoring him to health, and helping him as he returns to work this week!


I am linking this week with 
Jennifer Dukes Lee, #TellHisStory  

and 
Bonnie Gray, #OneWordCoffee 
 

  

Worship

It's a funny thought to me that three of my very best friends are Worship Leaders--And I have developed a fear of Worship Services in this Season of RA.

Wow.  Well I guess that's a pretty weird fear in the great scope of fears-of-all-times.  Still, it doesn't feel good to me.  I have always loved Worship Services.  Have pictured them as Community-Bonding and Heaven-Glancing places to dance with the heart of Jesus.  "WHAT IS WRONG WITH MY HEART??"  I've been bombarding Heaven's Gate with that question.

......  Nothing....  There is nothing wrong with your heart..... 

But I don't believe that answer.  Even though I have heard His response, it makes no sense to me, so I don't believe it... yet....

"ISN'T THE WORSHIP SERVICE SUPPOSED TO BE MY MOST FAVORITE TIME OF THE WEEK?  HASN'T THAT SERVICE BEEN THE PLACE WHERE I'VE FELT MOST ENCOURAGED IN MY LOVE FOR THE BODY OF CHRIST?"

But,   (pause)   I hear my thoughts re-winding to our 1984 Children's Church, hear my Teacher-husband's voice speaking kid-talk: 

WORSHIP IS REALLY JUST "WORTH-SHIP:"  SHOWING WORTH TO WHAT WE THINK IS MOST IMPORTANT.

Jesus, I still WORSHIP you.  I have never stopped worshipping YOU. 

 

But I have stopped Worshipping WORSHIP.    In this Rheumatoid Arthritis emotional roller coaster, fatigue overwhelms even my simplest of days. Even the smallest of crowds vacuums my soul of breath.  And I run home to my same old blue chair where stillness reigns.  Still, small voice calling me to simply trust.  Simply Worship.  Aligning the WORTH-SHIP where it truly belongs: Only to Jesus.

I know now that when my strength returns and my over-medicated brain finds equilibrium again, I will return to regular Worship Service attendance.  But in the meantime, my body is still the temple of Christ singly: He dwells with me here.  And I still belong to the Body of Christ, THE TRUE CHURCH, all over the world.  Worship-Service-Fear or not, WE ARE ALL ONE.

"so we, who are many, are one body in Christ, and individually members one of another." 
      --Romans 12:5